Jumbled.

I've been doing some thinking (which is always dangerous), and I've decided to not go home this month. While I want nothing more than to be home, I want it to be permanent, and making it temporary is only going to upset me more. Every time I had a visitor out here, I became even more unhappy when they left than I was before I saw them. I really hate complaining about this, because I don't want to make anyone feel like I wish they never came to visit me, but it definitely made things a lot harder on me. Saying goodbye is tough enough the first time; it doesn't get easier the second time around. By going home, I'd be doing the same exact thing but in reverse. It's not worth it to spend all the extra money and lose out on the time I paid to be here just to potentially make myself even more miserable. So, I'm sticking it out.

I have a list of things I still wanted to do in London. It really isn't that long, but I could always find other things to add to it to try to fill up this next month. That just means more museums. If I can try to keep busy, hopefully the time will go faster and I can get over to Milan.

So, my Facebook has been packed with announcements about Osama Bin Laden being killed. First of all, let me mourn for the fact that I have no idea what's going on in the world anymore unless it's posted as a Facebook status. Politics are a dirty topic, but it's on my mind. Osama Bin Laden was an evil man. He killed thousands of people, and may potentially be one of the worst people to live since Hitler. I may be ignorant in this subject, because not only am I politically uninvolved in the war but I have also been lucky enough to have never had this war personally affect me, since I did not lose anyone in the 9/11 attacks and am not close with anyone that has gone to fight. However, I feel my heart sink and my soul get heavy when I hear about all these people celebrating. How could somebody celebrate the death of another human being? It evokes a vicious, primitive image of cavemen ripping a person apart and dancing around a fire. We are not savages. We are better than that. We have supposedly evolved from this. Can't we control our animalistic instincts to kill?

As Martin Luther King, Jr., said, "Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." We are not ending terrorism by killing one man. This is not the end. People are going to retaliate, we're going to fight back, and this vicious cycle of hate and killing will never end so long as people are still driven by the disgusting, human instinct to protect oneself and destroy anything that threatens our norms. 

I'm not saying people should be mourning his death. Again, he was an evil man. But an eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind... even if he blinded way more people himself. I'm in a really weird mood today thinking about this. It bothers me a lot... because while I really believe everything I have said, I'm still relieved that he's dead. I think my relief bothers me. There is a difference between closure and celebration though. The people who have been affected by Osama Bin Laden's actions should have a feeling of closure from this, a sigh of relief. They should take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and calmly rejoice that it is over. Celebrating sickens me.

However, I go back again to when I compared him to Hitler. I can't say that if I lived back then I wouldn't rejoice for the death of Hitler. Even just looking back at history, I'm glad that bastard killed himself. He deserved all of it and more. So why do I feel differently about this?

I think I'm just in a weird mood about it because I can't entirely pinpoint my feelings about it. I don't like not knowing. It also doesn't help that Jim left today, so I'm again feeling that "Everyone is gone, I am alone, and I'm unhappy," feeling I get every time a visit ends. It also doesn't help that I have a fashion report due tomorrow, and that I decided last minute today to not book my flight home. Too much is going on in my mind right now, I'm getting all jumbled. I shouldn't allow myself time to think about things, it really is too dangerous.