Reflect.

I feel like I've done so much this week, and so little at the same time.

On Tuesday, I went to class. It doesn't sound like much, but I'm pretty sure I haven't been to class in like 2 weeks at least. At least it feels that way. It's not even that I've been skipping many classes at all, we've just had random classes canceled and then "Guided Independent Study Week" (A.K.A. Go to France and Forget About School Week). After class, I'm pretty sure all I did was eat, read the fashion articles in the newspaper (which I'm trying to do daily, and I'm taping them all on my wall), and wash some clothes.

On Wednesday, Jordan and I went to Kensington Gardens and walked around for a few hours. We saw the palace, which is a little anti-climatic, and we watched all the dogs and tried to dognap them all. Then I went to the BBC World Studios to have a tour, which was really cool. It would have been a lot more cool if I went while I still wanted to be a journalist, but I enjoyed it either way. Then I went home, cooked and ate dinner, did another small load of laundry in the sink, and I think that was it too.

Then today, we went to a really boring museum for Art and Society. The best part of it was the coloring room, where my friend Sam drew me a shockingly impressive portrait of myself. Jordan and I were drawing stick figures, and then Sam turns around this masterpiece and we just felt embarrassed. Then, I printed my boarding pass for Amsterdam this weekend, and went to Top Shop with Jordan and Kim and bought really adorable clothes. And they're bright colors! See, it IS possible for me to buy clothing that isn't black. We had an ISA tour of the Bank of England then, which was unbearably boring just like the museum. After that, as per usual this week, I cooked dinner, did a small amount of laundry in the sink, and did nothing else.

The retail therapy really helped me today. At first. While in Top Shop trying on all the cute, bright clothes, I felt awesome. Even when I had to narrow it down a bit (because I couldn't justify buying 12 pieces at Top Shop's outrageous prices), I still felt really good, and accomplished. There are honestly very few times here that I have felt really happy, and this was one of them. Then, the ball dropped.

My bank account has a hole in it.

I don't know how it happened, but I think the gypsies in Paris got a hold of my account information and have been stealing money from me this week. Okay, I know I've been doing a lot of traveling and that gets expensive. And yeah, I know I went to Top Shop today and spent maybe more than I should have (especially now that my budget is 0-5 pounds a week maximum). I really don't feel like I spend a lot of money though. I don't drink, I don't go out at night to clubs or pubs anymore (and haven't for many weeks), I do all of my laundry by hand, and I haven't even bought a single pair of shoes since I've been here. So how is it that I am in this position?

It's time to get into a little emotional rant bordering on complaining. I don't like London very much. There are parts and features to London that I like, but as a whole I don't like it and I'm pretty unhappy in it. I try to just ignore this, take it for what it is, and try to learn from the experience anyway, but it's hard to pretend you're so happy when, A) all the other study abroad kids around you are truly really happy, and B) nobody else in London is happy. Everyone is miserable. If you see someone that looks happy, they're just a visitor. Everyone is just as gray as the London skies.

I have made an honest attempt to like this city. I've made the list of things to do and tried to keep myself occupied. It's hard though. So, I do things to make myself happy: travel and shop.

Well, let's reflect. I didn't really enjoy Morocco. Some aspects were cool, I like the things I bought (retail therapy is a language everyone speaks), but other than that, it was too out of my comfort zone to make me happy. Paris I didn't like, and it just reminded me of my newly discovered hatred of cities. Toulon was wonderful, but that's because the trip was so relaxing and I was with my best friends. So, I've been spending all this money on trips to get out of London, and I haven't even been on a trip yet that I can say I truly loved.

What bothers me the most is how my life has absolutely no structure. I don't do anything. I wake up every single morning and have to ask myself what I would like to do that day, and I hate that. I like having obligations, and stresses, and things to do. I have never been without a job for this long, so my bank account just keeps going down and I can't see it go back up. I have always felt like I was working toward a goal, no matter how big or small, at some point in my life. I'm never without a purpose. Here, I am... and I feel so incredibly useless.

At least right now I can look forward to Steve being here in five days!